I recently gave birth to my fourth child, Matthew, and I thank God every day for the wonderful blessings I have been given. I consider myself lucky to have both NT (neurotypical) children, as well as a child with special needs. I believe that this gives me a unique perspective on what it is like to raise children. I do not, however, claim to be an expert on child-rearing; I am just grateful that I am able to experience both of these scenarios.
I have always believed, and heard from other parents, that having a special needs child teaches us many life lessons. I know that I have certainly learned a lot from Katelyn, given her dual diagnoses of PDD-NOS (autism) and psychiatric illness (psychosis).
This morning after getting Katelyn and Ashley ready for school, I had a realization that I've known for a long time, but never knew how to make sense of it or put it into words. It seems pretty obvious now, but it came over me like an epiphany this morning.
When a parent of a "typical" child worries about their child being addicted to their binky or not being potty-trained at age 3, etc., we often comfort them with phrases such as, "Don't worry, she will NOT be walking down the aisle with a binky in her mouth," or "No one wears diapers at their high school graduation!" These phrases imply that there is no doubt, it is a fact, that these typical children will eventually outgrow these issues, that these are in fact normal stages in life that are certain to improve over time, and in the short term no less. The reality that "this will not last forever" helps the parents to get through the rough time, knowing they can look forward to a brighter future where binkies and diapers are a thing of the distant past.
Here's the kicker. When parenting a special needs child, the concept of "normal" development flies right out the window. There is no such thing as "it is just a phase" when it comes to a special needs child. No one can offer you the same comfort that your child will not be wearing diapers at their high school graduation, or that they will even graduate at all. For some of our children, it is an unfortunate reality that they will never outgrow these "phases."
Given that I have 4 very young children, I find myself using these comforting phrases quite often with regards to my typical children. Ashley, 3 years old, is at the dramatic "I'm the boss" stage, and Trevor, 2 years old, is at the screaming, tantruming stage. What gets me through the day when Ashley and Trevor are having "difficult" days is reminding myself that "this is only a phase," and that they will soon outgrow this behavior as they continue to develop. However, I realized that I never say that about Katelyn when she is having a difficult day, which is an everyday occurrence, some days worse than others.
Special needs kids present a laundry list of challenges, whether it be behavior, self-care, cognitive functioning, etc., and one of the hardest things to deal with as a parent of these special children is not being able to reassure yourself, or your concerned family members and friends, that "this is just a phase." There is no such thing as a "phase" for these children. In some cases, it is obvious that the child will never be able to function independently, toilet-train, live on their own, etc. In other cases, like ours with Katelyn having psychiatric issues involving psychosis, there is a huge question mark, a big unknown about what her future will hold for her. Will she live independently? Will she marry and have children? Will she be able to attend regular public school one day and graduate? Who knows. In either case, I believe it is the lack of being able to reassure oneself that these day-to-day challenges are simply a phase, a stage, something that will eventually dissipate and life will be easier some day.
Again, being a mom of both special needs and typical children, I can appreciate both sides of the coin. I know what it is like to be able to tell myself this is only temporary, life will get easier, the kids will outgrow this, and I also know what it is like to have to face the reality that some things will never change and could even get harder in the future.
I felt the need to share my realization, not to depress the parents of special needs children or to make parents of typical children feel pity, but to put into words what sometimes is hard to understand, even when you are living it day after day. I hope this post is helpful to others. It has been helpful for me to write it.
