"It's Just a Phase"...

I recently gave birth to my fourth child, Matthew, and I thank God every day for the wonderful blessings I have been given.  I consider myself lucky to have both NT (neurotypical) children, as well as a child with special needs.  I believe that this gives me a unique perspective on what it is like to raise children.  I do not, however, claim to be an expert on child-rearing; I am just grateful that I am able to experience both of these scenarios.

I have always believed, and heard from other parents, that having a special needs child teaches us many life lessons.  I know that I have certainly learned a lot from Katelyn, given her dual diagnoses of PDD-NOS (autism) and psychiatric illness (psychosis).

This morning after getting Katelyn and Ashley ready for school, I had a realization that I've known for a long time, but never knew how to make sense of it or put it into words.  It seems pretty obvious now, but it came over me like an epiphany this morning.

When a parent of a "typical" child worries about their child being addicted to their binky or not being potty-trained at age 3, etc., we often comfort them with phrases such as, "Don't worry, she will NOT be walking down the aisle with a binky in her mouth," or "No one wears diapers at their high school graduation!"  These phrases imply that there is no doubt, it is a fact, that these typical children will eventually outgrow these issues, that these are in fact normal stages in life that are certain to improve over time, and in the short term no less.  The reality that "this will not last forever" helps the parents to get through the rough time, knowing they can look forward to a brighter future where binkies and diapers are a thing of the distant past.

Here's the kicker.  When parenting a special needs child, the concept of "normal" development flies right out the window.  There is no such thing as "it is just a phase" when it comes to a special needs child.  No one can offer you the same comfort that your child will not be wearing diapers at their high school graduation, or that they will even graduate at all.  For some of our children, it is an unfortunate reality that they will never outgrow these "phases."

Given that I have 4 very young children, I find myself using these comforting phrases quite often with regards to my typical children.  Ashley, 3 years old, is at the dramatic "I'm the boss" stage, and Trevor, 2 years old, is at the screaming, tantruming stage.  What gets me through the day when Ashley and Trevor are having "difficult" days is reminding myself that "this is only a phase," and that they will soon outgrow this behavior as they continue to develop.  However, I realized that I never say that about Katelyn when she is having a difficult day, which is an everyday occurrence, some days worse than others.  

Special needs kids present a laundry list of challenges, whether it be behavior, self-care, cognitive functioning, etc., and one of the hardest things to deal with as a parent of these special children is not being able to reassure yourself, or your concerned family members and friends, that "this is just a phase."  There is no such thing as a "phase" for these children. In some cases, it is obvious that the child will never be able to function independently, toilet-train, live on their own, etc.  In other cases, like ours with Katelyn having psychiatric issues involving psychosis, there is a huge question mark, a big unknown about what her future will hold for her.  Will she live independently?  Will she marry and have children?  Will she be able to attend regular public school one day and graduate?  Who knows.  In either case, I believe it is the lack of being able to reassure oneself that these day-to-day challenges are simply a phase, a stage, something that will eventually dissipate and life will be easier some day.  

Again, being a mom of both special needs and typical children, I can appreciate both sides of the coin.  I know what it is like to be able to tell myself this is only temporary, life will get easier, the kids will outgrow this, and I also know what it is like to have to face the reality that some things will never change and could even get harder in the future.  

I felt the need to share my realization, not to depress the parents of special needs children or to make parents of typical children feel pity, but to put into words what sometimes is hard to understand, even when you are living it day after day.  I hope this post is helpful to others.  It has been helpful for me to write it.

"This Is Not Autism" (videos and phrases)...

As I've mentioned before, Katelyn presents not only with symptoms of autism spectrum disorder, but also of some other possible co-morbid psychiatric condition, quite possibly a psychosis of some sort. We have seen a recent increase in this odd behavior and recent increases in her Risperdal medication have no longer been effective as they were in the past.

Here are some recent videos of Katelyn that show some of what we are seeing at home. What we observe is usually far "worse" than this (difficult to capture on video), but it gives a rough idea of some of the things we are seeing, no pun intended...

And here are some recent phrases Katelyn has said when describing what she sees/hears (pardon the poor grammar, as these were just quick notes I jotted down):

11/10/11
Sitting with me at table while I did work...saying voh, webs, etc., then told me the webs were talking to her and laughing at her. Difficulty with feeding at dinner. Spitting out, looking up, talking about ock, etc., being defiant saying no, but could tell did not want to act that way.

11/11/11
Looking up at wall, taking shoes off as asked, then said No to putting them away. Looked up and said she saw Ew. I repeated, “You see Ew?” She said yes, Ew is climbing up the wall right there and pointed. She then said he was in a purple web with a sprinkle in it. Then she said Ew is yucky looking and that he is green. She said he talked to her and told her No about putting her shoes away.

11/14/11
In mommy’s room, talking to herself saying “Where is Ew?” over and over. I asked her what Ew looked like and she again said he is “Yucky.” I asked what color is Ew and she again said “Green” – with the odd mischievous look on her face. Then began blowing my hair and whistling and laughing hysterically saying Ew while doing it even though I told her I did not like that.

11/18/11
Getting dressed in living room, kicking me, laughing hysterically while looking off, talking about Ew, then Waw, saying Waw over and over and then she said she sees Waw and that Waw is a blue curl stuck up on the ceiling. Got extremely manicky and uncontrollable and defiant while talking about Waw.

11/25/11
In mommy’s bed with me and Ashley. Looking up at ceiling, saying Yaw and Yock. Then said I see Yock. She said Yock is not nice. Yock is in a purple web. Yock is naughty to me, Yock is always naughty to me. Then talked about seeing colorful bugs in her bed and on her sheet. She said they were red, green and blue. Said she saw them in the web with Yock. Got upset when I told her I didn’t see the colored bugs. Started talking in weird words, saying Yock is Guckak and Bocka and other strange words. Lots of talk about Yock throughout the day, even at stores, etc.

Placement, Re-Placement...

Once again, it has been a while since my last update. We have spent the last few months having meetings and discussions with our district school system and Katelyn's current private school regarding the appropriateness of her placement. There are a few issues that have developed since she started at her current school. The biggest is that her profile has significantly changed, so her needs are vastly different from when she first began there. The original plan was that she would be in a substantially-separate classroom without peer models since it was felt that she would not benefit from peer models and that she needed intense 1:1 instruction in an ABA environment, but she would have opportunities down the road to integrate with the peer models if appropriate. She continues to demonstrate that ABA is the appropriate method of learning for her, but she has proven all of us wrong in that she IS benefiting significantly from being with the peer models in the integrated preschool classroom. In fact, she has never even been in the sub-separate classroom as planned since she did well with her first exposure to the peer models on day 1!

So we've been presented with a challenging situation since we all agree that a sub-separate classroom is NOT appropriate for Katelyn. However, her current private school only offers peer models in the preschool classroom, so once she ages out (max is age 5 and she is currently 5), her current school will not be able to provide an appropriate environment for her.

This led the district school system to propose her return to district to a brand-new kindergarten program that they felt would be most appropriate for her. However, after a lengthy meeting this morning to discuss observations of the proposed program, as well as her current presentation of symptoms and complicated needs, we are in agreement that the district also cannot provide an appropriate program for her at this time.

So where does that leave us? We are now looking for a new placement for Katelyn that can meet her unique needs. Since she is quite complicated in her presentation (displaying characteristics of not only autism, but most likely a co-morbid psychiatric illness, such as psychosis) and her needs are unique, it is going to be difficult to find a school that is appropriate for her. She will require an environment that can offer not only intensive ABA instruction with highly trained staff and BCBA supervision, but also one that can offer opportunities for inclusion with peer models, something that many schools around here only offer until preschool age like her current placement.

So at this point, we are in agreement to look at a handful of schools in the area to determine whether they can offer an appropriate program for Katelyn. We are also in the process of completing another neuropsych evaluation to get a better understanding of what her current needs are, especially since we are seeing an increase in the odd behaviors (what appears to be psychosis/possible hallucinations) despite the fact that her medication has kept this at bay for the past year. Therefore, a new medication trial may need to be attempted.

We are thrilled with her current placement and the progress that she has made there, but we all recognize that Katelyn's needs cannot be met once she ages out of the current program. So the next leg of our journey with Katelyn begins...

"Where There Is Great Love, There Are Always Miracles"...

Since my last post, Katelyn has had significant ups and downs. Back in June, she was again admitted to the PPHP program due to her severe aggression and self-injurious behavior. She was placed on Zoloft and her Risperdal was increased. She was then discharged in mid-July and she returned to her preschool for the last few weeks of the summer program. During this time, she had significant difficulties both at home and at school.

After the summer session ended, there was a 4-week break, during which time she was showing significant regression in terms of her behavior. It was quite apparent that she could not deal with breaks in her schooling, as evidenced by her PPHP admissions and 3-week stay at Children's Hospital, all occurring after school breaks. At this point, we were considering out-of-district placement to a school that would specialize in dealing with children similar to Katelyn, exhibiting both characteristics of autism as well as psychiatric issues. Her psychologist, developmental pediatrician, primary care physician, and neuropsychologist were all in agreement that there was sufficient reason to believe that she could no longer function in a public school setting, and out-of-district placement was recommended.

I met with the school to discuss our concerns, and they were very concerned as well. They have been wonderful to Katelyn and her family throughout all of our struggles, and they truly care deeply for her. The school psychologist and adjustment counselor became part of her team and we decided that it was worth giving it another shot at her preschool since that is the ideal place for her, if possible. Her teacher suggested that all members of her team be included on an email list so that we can all be on the same page and communicate about Katelyn's treatment, which has helped tremendously. And, boy, did Katelyn surprise all of us!

Expecting the worst, we were shocked to hear that she did well the first few days of school, and even enjoyed taking the bus again! We were still cautious, wondering if the "honeymoon period" would end like it almost always did, but it has continued! And I am so happy to report that she has drastically improved ever since! She is now playing with Ashley on a daily basis -- they are like best friends now, with the occasional fight, but nothing out of the ordinary for "typical" sibling rivalry. Just weeks before, she wasn't even able to be in the same room as Ashley, and sometimes not even on the same level of the house, without having a complete meltdown. Now she gets upset if she can't be with Ashley!

Who knows what the reasons are for her significant improvements -- perhaps her medication, perhaps the hard work and dedication of her family, school staff, and therapeutic supports, perhaps the fact that we turned our dining room into a play room, perhaps a sudden developmental growth on her part, perhaps all of the prayers and love that so many people have shared with us -- whatever the cause, it is a true miracle.

We have seen what Hell is like, believe me. But having gone through all of the difficulties over the past year, and coming through them alive and intact, we've grown stronger, and we will never, ever give up hope, no matter what obstacles may come our way in the future. We now have a taste of Heaven and we will never let it go.

(Quote by Willa Cather)

Oh, My, How Things Have Changed...

It has been almost 2 months since my last post, but not due to lack of things to talk about. On the contrary, there is far too much to even begin to describe what has been happening in our lives lately. Unfortunately, I do not have a lot of time right now to give a lot of details, but I will do my best to expand on this at a later date. I just wanted to share a brief synopsis since many of you have been inquiring on what has been going on with Katelyn...

Katelyn's presentation of symptoms has really changed drastically over the last few months. Every professional who has come in contact with her recently has agreed that she no longer seems to be presenting like autism, but instead like a psychiatric disorder. Our family now believes that she is experiencing some sort of hallucinations, including command hallucinations that prevent her from eating, make her hurt herself and others, and more. While she is far too young to be given a diagnosis, pretty much all of her symptoms meet criteria for early child-onset schizophrenia. It is extremely rare for a child of her age to present with schizophrenia, but after what we have witnessed over the last few months, we are convinced that she has some sort of psychosis. And like I always say, just because something is extremely rare does not mean it doesn't exist. I don't care if the odds are 1 in a billion...if you are that 1 person, statistics have no meaning.

We are in the midst of trying to advocate for our daughter as we always have, but now we are facing many brick walls since we are entering the realm of mental illness. While autism is gaining more and more awareness and supports, unfortunately there are not many resources for childhood mental illness. Despite being kicked when we are down in what appears to be an uphill battle, we will not let this stop us from continuing to fight to get help for our beautiful little girl. Through no fault of her own, or anyone else's for that matter, Katelyn was dealt a difficult hand in life, but we will not sit back and watch her suffer. It may take years, and many bumps and bruises along the way, but we have faith that we will eventually find answers and appropriate treatment for what is causing our daughter so much pain.

Thank you all for your support throughout this extremely difficult time. Whenever I find the time (so probably never, haha), I will be revamping this blog since we most likely are facing something other than autism. However, I will continue to support autism research and awareness.

So Far, So So...

Katelyn has been in the partial hospital program for almost 3 weeks now. She likes the staff and seems to look forward to going there, but she is still struggling in many ways.

After observing her and collecting data from her family, teacher, and diagnostic tests, it has been determined that she is suffering from a severe anxiety disorder and most likely depression as well. There is most likely something else going on here in addition, but right now the focus is to alleviate some of her anxiety since she is in an insurmountable amount of distress, which is making it impossible for any other behavioral interventions to have an effect at this time. Therefore, last Tuesday, after careful consideration by her psychiatric team and family, and weighing the pros and cons, we agreed to a trial of low-dose Prozac to hopefully help get her level of anxiety to a more manageable state. This was an extremely difficult decision for us, but at this point, all other avenues have been exhausted and it is clear that nothing is going to be able to help her until we get her anxiety under control. Now, we just have to wait and see if it has an effect, which could take weeks.

We have seen some improvement in certain areas, but she still has a very long way to go. She has shown some interest in activities lately, such as doing puzzles or building towers with giant Legos. However, she still requires a significant amount of adult direction and encouragement to become engaged in most activities. She also has been smiling and laughing more, and even showing some interest in being silly with Ashley, although she is still aggressive towards her at times. Unfortunately, she is still perseverating constantly, even worse than before, asking for things over and over and over and over again for hours on end, and then screaming or becoming aggressive when she does not get immediate gratification.

Because she is so unstable at this time, we have decided to postpone her reevaluation at the May Institute until she is better able to demonstrate her true potential and capabilities. At this point, we honestly are questioning whether she truly has autism or if this is something entirely different masking itself as autism because some of the behaviors that she is demonstrating (i.e. her awareness of how her actions affect others, doing things "out of spite," etc.) are not consistent with an autism diagnosis. Even the director of the program stated that he does not feel that she presents with classic autism symptoms at this time, which is what her diagnosis currently is. Although she does exhibit many "red flags" for autism, he feels that we will have to wait and see over time how it all plays out to determine if she truly has autism or just some characteristics. So we will definitely be having her reevaluated at the autism diagnostic center when appropriate.

At this time, it is unclear how many more weeks she will be in the program, but we are trying to be optimistic that she will continue to make improvements. We are hoping that we will see significant progress once the Prozac takes effect since she is still being tormented by the level of distress that her little body and mind are experiencing on a constant basis, which is also taking its toll on our entire family. I'll continue to provide updates when I can. Thank you all for your continued support, love, and prayers.

And a New Journey Begins...

On Thursday, I received a phone call from the principal of Katelyn's preschool (another amazing advocate for Katelyn), asking if it would be possible for me to meet with her and Katelyn's teacher and ABA therapist on Friday. They are aware that I am taking Katelyn to her first appointment with a child psychologist on Monday, so they wanted to provide me with some more input from the school to share with the doctor. Without hesitation, I rearranged my schedule and met with them yesterday. (To see a list of her most concerning behaviors put together by the school, click here.)

As I arrived at the principal's office, she informed me that Katelyn was having the most challenging day yet, and that she wasn't sure if her teacher and therapist could even leave the classroom to come to meet with me because Katelyn needed extra supervision. Luckily, another therapist helped manage Katelyn so that they were able to attend the meeting.

The school and I have had an ongoing dialogue, almost on a daily basis, regarding Katelyn's current issues in the classroom as well as at home, so there were no surprises on either end. Almost immediately, the principal mentioned that they feel that her current preschool classroom and therapies in place are no longer beneficial to her, in that they are pretty much spending the entire day trying to get her to follow the routine of the classroom safely without hurting herself and others. She then explained that, while Katelyn will always have a place at their school, they feel that Katelyn may temporarily benefit from an outpatient psychiatric evaluation and treatment program. She handed me a pamphlet for a Pediatric Partial Hospital Program (PPHP) and reviewed the details with me. Given the current circumstances, I immediately agreed that this was the right road to take at this time.

About the PPHP...
(copied from the pamphlet) "The PPHP is a highly specialized day treatment program that provides comprehensive evaluation and intensive treatment for young children ranging in age from early infancy through 6 years, and their families ... The primary goal of the program is to help children safely live at home while offering children and their families the opportunity to work on behavioral, emotional and social difficulties that occur at home and in the community."

The program offers family therapy, milieu therapy, behavioral therapy, group treatments, and psychiatric medication, if necessary. The PPHP staff includes therapists, nurses, psychiatrists, psychologists, pediatricians and support staff.

Basically, what this means is that Katelyn will be attending this program Monday through Friday from 8:30am to 4pm anywhere from 3 weeks to 2 months, depending on her needs. She will then return to her current preschool setting once she is ready to be discharged from the program, and appropriate followup treatment will be arranged. (Unfortunately, transportation is not provided, so I will be crossing state borders twice a day during rush-hour traffic to get her to and from the program, but hopefully it will be worth it!)

While it is definitely not an easy decision to make to enroll our 3-year-old child into a psychiatric program, we feel confident that this is the best course of action to help Katelyn, as well as our family. Anyone who knows me can testify that I do not do anything lightly when it comes to the well-being of my children. It has been absolute torture on all of us as her parents, family, friends, teachers and therapists, to see her suffering the way that she is, especially since she had been doing so well just a few months ago. However, we are hopeful that this program will be able to provide not only an answer as to what is causing this behavior, but also the appropriate method of treatment in order to help our beautiful daughter return to us as soon as possible.

Thank you to all who have offered us the love and support that we need to sustain us throughout this emotionally exhausting ordeal. We never envisioned this happening, but we are prepared to begin yet another journey to get our beloved daughter back. And of course, I will continue to share our story each step of the way.